solitude

this world is full of chaos, full of shame. you hardly have space to do what you have to do. it's hard, almost impossible, to find a silent, peaceful spot for you and you only. and when you find that sacred place of peace, what do you do? you hold on to it as if it's yours. it may not be yours at all moments, but at certain moments of need, you know you can have your share of serenity and secrecy and privacy and hush. and then you can act freely and do everything you can to make you feel good and relieved. get rid of everything that's negative!

sa 4th floor. ok ang cr dito. walang tao palagi. hehehe!

maybe

it's better this way...
maybe not...
who knows?

i love my job

gets my mind off things…

thank God for ears and lips

for the past few days, there is an ongoing battle. the war within isn't over yet... and won't be over soon. both leagues are not showing any sign of white flag. wit, sarcasm, pity, almost hatred, love, unanswered questions, frustration, sadness, fear, deceit, doubt, pain, hope. name it, the feeling is probably there... all these except happiness. at least not for now.

if there's one thing i pray for, it is courage. courage to face tomorrow even without the light you're accustomed to see. i pray i will be like the blind. he does not see the sun but knows that it is there just because he can feel the warmth. he has the wisdom to understand that the absence of light doesn't necessarily mean that warmth is hiding beneath the clouds as well.

at the end of this day, i thank God for ears and lips... ears that patiently listen to your tales no matter how negative they may sound, and lips that tell you the truth no matter how painful they may make you feel. words you probably don't prefer to hear, but heck they are nothing but the truth and these are all you need to hear :). you see these ears and lips come along with this package most people call friends.

kung papatulan nya lang ako...

mangangalunya ako.



bwahahaha!!!

naks. pasintabi kay mikey... 'di naman nya 'to nababasa. dead ako.

ito'y isang HS-like crush lang naman... na may todong kilig hahaha! as in kilig to the bones. aaay ang landi!

wenongayon kung me girlfriend sya? may boyfriend naman ako! bwahahaha! pwede! hahaha dead talga ako kay mikey neto. bubugbugin ako nun hahahaha!

one more gift

if there's one more gift
i'd ask of You, Lord
it would be peace here on earth;
as gentle as Your children's laughter
all around, all around

your people have grown weary
of living in confusion
when will we realize
that neither heaven is at peace
when we live not in peace

grant me serenity within
for the confusions around
are mere reflections
of what's within
what's within me

when you come to think about it

sometimes, you are exerting way too much effort on something that's not really worth it. no matter how many times you scold yourself about not thinking about it too much, about not pouting about it too much, you become too helpless and rant about it after all... which is sooo wrong.

giving your all may not be right at all times. i believe in doing your best. but i've slightly modified this belief now that i learned and i guess i know better. now i know that you have to give your best to something that's really worth it, to something that's for a better cause. now i know that your effort is just wasted if exerted on the wrong things.

so whatever happened to "give you best and God will do the rest"? it still is true, only this time i know that i'll have to choose carefully where i will pour my energies. to be wise - is a lifetime hope. 26 years of my life has passed and i'm still in nursery level in this subject --> wisdom. learning it is a painful, and sometimes excruciating, process. sometimes it strips off all your ego, all your pride, and you swallow all that's bitter and sore.

realizations... you keep on having a good dose as you get older. ;) in the end, i hope all will be well.

tanong

sometimes i ask
is it too much to ask?
and then you ask
why do i ask?
nothing, just felt the urge to ask.
so i ask.

lame... all lame.

naisip ko lang...

i was watching tv patrol after dinner. there was news about a fire in a certain province - it involved the mayor's house and damaged millions worth of textile and stuff. and what's predictable was shown. the people said that there was only one fire truck in their area. had there been other fire trucks (that actually contained water, huh!) available, it wouldn't have been that bad.

and i thought, grabe naman... every time there's fire, there are complaints of inadequate fire trucks. there may be enough fire trucks, but there is just not enough water. sigh... problems we had from 10 or 20 or 30 years ago are still problems today... and will probably remain unsolved for the next couple of years? nakakalungkot naman.

the closest i could get to having a green thumb

i always wanted to grow herbs and plants back at home. i was dreaming of picking up basil leaves for a pasta dish, or rosemary and oregano for adobo, sage would be good too, green onions... the works. fresh herbs would be great! (instead of the bottled spices mccormick has to offer - mccormick is a dish saver though! lalo na't wala naman talaga akong herb garden hehe).

there's this quasi-veranda outside our room now and i also dream of having something lush outside. small flowering plants maybe, if not herbs. we were in ikea last saturday and there i found the perfect green living creatures - small plants with colors so vibrant! deep, deep green with small flowers as well. nice. really nice. but i thought, hey, do i even have a green thumb to begin with? i can't tell 'cause i haven't tried.

my lola ading and lola floring both have passion for the green life. lola floring used to take care of plants in pque and lola ading has this really wild array of plants and flowers, even fruits, in mindoro. really refreshing!

seems like i have the passion, but i don't have the will to even try. i didn't buy the plants in ikea. i thought it would be a shame if they died on my hands. shame and pity for the plants if i fail them. i don't know if i could have a dedication strong enough to make them happy. anak ba ito? hehe.

last saturday still, we had tepanyaki for dinner and we bought way too much toge. the washed up excess toge was left in the strainer by the sink. guess what? the following day, there was a sign of green life! and i was really happy seeing little fountains of leaves sprouting from the toge! and i felt a sense of attachment to the little sprouts and i watered them everyday for the past 5 days!

the day came when we had to use the strainer - that was yesterday. i transferred the sprouts of life into a paper plate and left it by the stove. i can't help it, i had to take a picture before it dies...



...after all, it's the closest i could get to having a green thumb. :) goodbye toge sprouts!

late bloomer sa multiply and it's all good

wow. i started using multiply today. ok naman sya :) nakakatuwa. nakakaaliw. ang tagal na ata ng multiply ngayon ko lang ni-try. maybe because it's a holiday and wlang magawa masyado dito. hahaha.

kulimlim, mukang uulan... dark clouds ahead. windy.

last night, kuya bought his new baby mac. naku! hindi na makausap. and i get to keep the old laptop. i don't really mind. :)

i'm keeping my old lowtech phone - because i can call, i can SMS and it's all good.

i'm keeping my old creative MP3 player - because i can listen to my playlist and it's all good.

i'm keeping kuya's old laptop - because i can chat, i can blog, i can check my email and it's all good.

ummm... hindi naman ako nagsasalita ng tapos... pero i swear, it's all good. hehehe. good luck!

hilaw

i realized just now how i've been a hilaw in every aspect sa aking IT career.

when i started to work on december of 2001, i was hired as a software engineer. i was assigned to an internal team that worked on applications for the department using VB. funny how rico, donna, and i had 3 different versions of the time tracking system 'cause we were just playing around with it while we were waiting for final instructions kung ano talaga ang ipapagawa sa amin. petiks pa kami non.

di pa man nag-iinit ang pwet namin sa team na yun, we had to be deployed to client teams because there were needs for staff. so it turned out: hilaw ako sa VB. donna and i were assigned to work on a team that worked on perl, unix, mainframe.

perl, i semi-like :) walang masyadong ek-ek kasi e.

but for unix and mainframe, it was a struggle. i handled a nightmare unix project. before i even made it work decently, the project ended. saved by the bell? maybe. the little things i learned on MF side were: code a little using PL1 and run autojcls . don't ask me to troubleshoot pag may error sa ni-run. i just can't dig it. and mostly mga 1-line modifications lang ang ni-handle ko noon.

again, oonti pa lang ang project na nahawakan ko nang magkaron ng bagong team: QA team. so hilaw ulit ako sa dev. we volunteered to be a part of the new QA team. masaya ang team. the thing is, all the while i thought we were performing "authentic" qa tasks... hindi pala. we were merely checking output files. syempre nahasa ang pagiging keen kahit papano, pero there are so many things about quality assurance na hindi ko alam... hilaw ulit na QA kse the team was dissolved after more than a year... more than a year of doing what i thought was real QA.

opening ulit sa ibang team, i was deployed as dev ulit. hay hilo na ito. mostly unix na naman umikot ang mundo. takot ako sa mundong ito. for 6 months, i adjusted to new work ulit. pero... di pa nga nakaka-adjust masyado, change of company naman ito. as QA ulit... note: hilaw pa rin akong dev at this point.

hay pagod na ko sa kwento ng career ko. so QA na naman. medyo authentic manual QA work naman for more than a year. pero not so pa rin. nung panahong feeling ko time to move on to another company na ulit, mantakin nyong hanapan ako ng automation skills at experience sa mercury at kung ano anong achuchuchu. marami na palang uso na hindi ko alam. :( and they judged me not qualified - for the longest dragging time because i have no test director skills. dang. hilaw pa rin after all. hay.

and then finally, i got this job. so what do you expect, as of now hilaw pa rin ako. kase i wasn't hired as QA, but as QA support. my first support job. hay... hilaw. so i have no expertise. a little bit of everything doesn't hurt, though. and that's the story of my career. kakaloka.

* saludo ako sa spi for making me aware of CMM processes. :)

* pwede bang maging lover na lang ako? haha. mas masarap mag love kesa mag career! naku!

may ubo, may sipon

friday... nagsimula ang lahat. may kakaibang pakiramdam sa lalamunan. parang makati. kinahapunan, ayan kumakahol na si ate. sa payo ni mommy jen, bumili ako ng robitussin sa guardian. kay mahal. $9++. parang almost 300 na un sa pinas a. vitamins ba ito?

sa office pa lang, nagstart na akong tumira ng robitussin. parang walang effect. in fact, parang lalong naninikip ang dibdib ko. parang pinipigilan nya ang kung ano mang kailangang magpumiglas sa katawan ko.

pagdating ng gabi, parang naka 3 shots na ako ng robitussin. ayos naman nakapaglaba pa ako. mag-isa lang ako kse si kuya nakipag-inuman with friends. pagdating ng mga 12 midnight, ayan na, inatake na ako ng ubo... ay para akong may sanib grabe nakakahiya! hahaha. hanggang mga 3am, para akong dog. susme.

sabado, dito lang ako sa bahay baldado. cancel ang lakad with liza at janise. :(

linggo, todo na sa kasamaan ang pakiramdam ko. uminom ako ng decolgen sa payo ni donna. sabi nya, nakakasama raw lalo ang cough syrup. ok. mukang nakatulong ang decolgen. although sunday lang ako uminom, lumalabas na ang sipon ko today :) feeling ko pag naubos sya, magaling na ko. at malapit na yun! yehey!

kanina, naka 5 baso ata ako ng tea. hahaha adik sa tea. pero nakatulong sya! magaling magaling magaling! :)

people

Sa 3 linggong inilagi ko dito, hindi pa pala ako nakapagkwento about the friends, acquaintances I've met here so far. When you're far away from home, every old friend or acquaintance you meet is a family.

Dunno if these are all.. I may have missed anything but here they go:

Guen - we didn't know we're working for the same company. We only knew when I arrived yata. Too bad we're on different locations. On my first week, we were reporting on their location for training. The meeting was very unexpected. She didn't even know I was there. She was coming out of the rest room, and wapak.. Para na kaming kiti-kiti. Hehehe. Si guen super excited makakita ng pinoy. And I was as excited. :) we had lunch with my sort-of batchmates. Very brief yet very happy ang moment.

Donna - I met her once sa ikea. Super brief… and we figured we needed a follow-up (ano itu, check-up?). It was supposed to be a meeting with guen and dacks, pero hindi natuloy ang the guen and the dacks. Hehe so it was a donna-caths date. She gave me these cool nets that I could use for undies sa washing machine. Then pasyal pasyal, bought twin sandals (ibang kulay), shopped (sa sale lang ha), made picture picture sa esplanade (chimni), then ate at a thai restaurant (salamat sa treat!), grocery and libot-libot onti (muntik mapaaway sa pila ng donut). Hehehe. Blast!

Noel and Cesz - lovelives. It was a lunch date with the two lovebirds. It was my first time to eat pineapple rice. Yumyum. I learned a lot of new terms na imbento lang naman nila pero it would work! Hehe. Nice to see them again. Pinaka sweet na couple ata itong nakilala ko e. :) I introduced them to Donna… ya know, lahat ng pdeng maging kapamilya, gawing kapamilya!

April - was a batchmate from college. I've seen her twice sa suntech… on her way home probably… :) we're not close pero it was good to see her. Kahit na wave hi and bye lang.

Liza - daming plans… wala pa masyadong natutuloy hehe. There's a day-out, dinner, night-out, bintan, swimming, biking, tennis, jogging, clubbing. Hehe. At last, we saw each other when Liza (along with James) dropped by our house last late night Saturday. It was good to see her. The last time I saw her was a sort of reunion with the college pals. Liza, Saturday tuloy natin ang flan ha. Hihihi!

James - dropped by our house (along with Liza) last late night Saturday. Daming kwento ni James hehehe… amusing stories pero… he saw my housemate's (Sonny) basketball shoes and he ended up persuading, courting (hehe) Sonny to join the Pinoy basketball team. This lasted for an hour? Hehe joke. Sonny didn't go to the try-out. Masakit ang katawan kakajog hahaha… James, try ulit next time hehehe!

RH - RH was a college classmate. She was this boyish girl. Ngayon, she's this pretty girl! Woohoo! She's changed a lot grabe! She looks great! Saw her sa starbucks lapit sa city hall ata. She approached me and asked me "excuse me, are you filipina?" hehe. Sagot ako… "HR?" toinks.. Mali pa! kse RH ang pangalan nya hahaha. She said I looked familiar and that's because we were college classmates :)

Noemi - Noemi is merely a character from stories I hear from Donna and Kuya. All I know is she's Donna's college pal. And she's kuya officemate back in Pinas. I finally saw her! Hehe sa MRT when kuya and I are on our way to jologs ata? Now there's a face to the name! hihihi.

learning the art of...

breathing using your mouth is essential to survive. promise.

sa mrt, si manong katabi ko. papasok ako. sa gitna banda nakatayo kami. nakasandal sya sa mga steel hawakan. ako nakahawak sa hawakan. ay!!! may I raise my hands and arms si manong. yung parang pormang nakahiga ka tapos yung kamay mo nilalagay mo sa ilalim ng ulo mo relax na relax… pero nakatayo sya. ganun. ganito:

manong, tao lang po. wawa...

test

gympurnada

sa pinas, i never went to the gym. unang-una, i'm not that interested in making buhat chuva. or making pawis. or making takbo. na may makakakitang tao sa akin. i never went to trial sessions 'cause i know i'd never enroll anyway.

pangalawa, di kalakihan ang sweldo ko. i only have enough to share sa house, to pay the bills. konting luho, ganun. sometimes, negative pa. so i never spent for something that i'm not really crazy about.

ikatlo, payat ako. i don't have a crazy appetite. kung mag engage pa ako sa too much cardio activities, baka lalong maging patpat ako. it's just my theory... what do i know about it? hehe.

my long-time dream and love is swimming... i thought a few laps a day would be good! i always wanted to swim but i never found the time to do so. there's a pool here just outside our door but i haven't tried because i don't have anybody to go and swim with me... and i'm not an all-by-myself person. hehe

this afternoon, kuya invited me to this gym near our office. he said i could bring my officemates along. the gym has this promo of $57 a month, no membership fee. i'm not interested but i went anyway. my officemates are interested. for less than P2k, i thought it's not that bad. kung di ko talga trip mag gym, stop. hehe

we saw the equipments, the classes are good, oh they also have a pool! a tennis court, the bathroom is great... in short, i was convinced to enroll. there were six of us: kuya + officemates. so manong gym instructor's eyes are now $$$$$$ hehehe... we all decided to sign in... signing the docs... manong jotted the amount to $1380. woah! where did that come from? whatever happened to $57? it turned out we had to pay for the 2 years but we could always get a refund in case we decide to terminate the contract. ah eh... red lights flashing. manong, we can't! mga bagong ofw pa lang kami and we can't afford to throw in that amount biglaan. manong's last bargain was... pay half and pay the next half after 2 months.

and then i thought... do i really want this? do i really need this? so he gave us until friday to think things over. baka naman mamaya, ningas kugon lang ako? haay... oh well, i could always go back to swimming. ;) malaman sa byernes.

a typical saturday

saturday mornings, i wake up at around 11am. i go down, have rice for breakfast, switch the tv on. if mom's not busy with the tapsi business, we chat like crazy. chat about anything and everything. magchichismisan like teenagers.

in terms of love life hehehe... mikey would sometimes just hang out with me and watch tv (yes, minsan nanonood lang sya ng tv. di nya ko kinakausap. mas lab nya ang tv kesa sakin. hmp!), or we go out and watchamovie. eat out. walk.

kung walang lakad, nakikigulo sa tapsihan. hehe. nilalanghap ang amoy ng pares. ulk nakakasawa hahaha. nakikipagkulitan kay wawin. meet with friends.

these are what i miss badly... :(

pangalawang...

taon na namin ni mikey. yun nga lang 'di kami magkasama ngayon. 'di kami magkikita bukas. 'di rin kami magkikita sa linggo. sa susunod na linggo, imposible ring magkita kami. mukang sa june 29 pwede, pero sana nga pwede talaga.

dati-rati, sinusubukan talaga naming magkita tuwing tuesday at thursday at syempre pa pag weekends. pero ngayon, olats. dyan-ka-dito-ako muna ang drama namin. at maraming maraming dasal na sana 'di maulit ang mga 'di na dapat maulit.

mahirap maghanap ng kamay na gusto mong hawakan. kasi wala naman talaga akong makikitang ibang kamay. kung iba yun, 'di na kamay ni mikey yun. ayoko yun. hay. mahirap din maghanap ng ibang bilbil na makukurot. mahirap maghanap ng hindi mo mahahanap... or alam mong hindi mo makikita.

haay. pare, happy anniv na lang. yung kiss, pag nagkita na lang tayo. hehehe. ok? wag ka magkiss ng iba. di rin ako. pramis. hehe. see you on june 29.

ala sais ng hapon sa kwartong ito

i'm in a new world. in addition to my hurting feet (which aren't that bad now because i wore sandals today woohoo!), i now share a room with my big brother (aka kuya hehe). so much has happened for the past month and everything happened so fast. for a while i thought i was just imagining things... that i'm really here - and not there. that i am away from home, i am away from my mom, from wawin, from mikey, from my humble room, from my humble country. hehe...

pero dizizit na talaga. i'm a bit nervous about the work. i hope i can do well 'cause pare, sobrang ibang-iba sa lahat ng work na nagawa ko. betchaby. medyo nerbyosa pa naman ako haha mana sa lola ko.

i'm a bit bored over the weekends. i asked kuya, "ganito lang talga kayo pag weekends?" hehe... but i realized there has been no change in my weekend activities. nood tv lang and tunganga. maybe it's just because i am away from home - away from those i dearly love. it hurts but at the same time i know i'm doing it because i have to. and it helped me a lot that kuya is here by my side. :)

cooking dinner... oh, i miss cecil too.