drama rama

last june 12, 2009, wawin arrived here in singapore to try to look for a job. it wasn't easy for him in manila. full of hope, he left everything he had, including erikaforever, to join the workforce here.

it wasn't easy as well. he came at a time when companies are hiring only PRs, citizens, or experienced mechanical engineers. the trend continued for a year until his long term social visit pass expired.

he had no choice but to go back to manila last thursday.

wawin is keyla's best friend. wawin does a mere nod and keyla does a super give na give na smile na parang wala nang bukas. it's just uncle wawin who can do this. when keyla cries and no one can make her stop, uncle wawin carries her and she magically calms down.

the scene last thursday was really heartbreaking. wawin said goodbye to keyla with a last nod and we all broke into tears.

today is a different story. for the whole year, i shared this room with wawin. i cleaned the room today, moved wawin's bed to the other room, and tidied up everything that used to be his. for the first time in so many years, i felt so alone and empty. the room seems too big now. too big and too quiet. well, it's not like wawin is loud hehehe but the absence is just too deafening. i cried like a little child (and why do i sound like a girl who was just dumped by her bf? hehehe).

why can't things be easy for everybody? why do people have to be apart? as i've said a thousand times, i believe in the capability of wawin. if you ask him for help to do something, he does it so well. why can't he have the good break that he deserves? :( whatever God's reasons are, i'm sure wawin is being molded into perfection. someday, we'll all be together... until then, we humbly accept God's plans. thank you for the wonderful year that you gave us, dear Father.

bulung-bulong

my lola ading, mami's inay is turning 88 (or 89?) this december. everybody is bedazzled by lola's good health. she outlived most of her nephews and nieces! i sometimes think i will, ehem, go to heaven (or hell?) ahead of her! she's that strong. her body is sure mighty but her brain is even mightier. she has a lending business and she knows where every cent goes. she's simply amazing.

about two weeks ago, we received the most unfortunate news that lola slipped and broke her leg. we were all anxious. everybody knows that breaking a bone in old age spells disaster. at first, we were having second thoughts if we'll allow her to undergo operation. will her body be strong enough to surpass the operation? my doctor cousin highly recommended the operation. he said that it, if untreated, will be extremely painful for lola. surely, she won't be able to take the pain if she didn't have the operation.

my lola is mighty in all sense, true. she is also mightily stubborn! apparently, she doesn't want to have the operation. she wailed and made a bad scene at the hospital when she learned about the operation. she used all the authority in her system so she can have it her way and go home. tiklop ang lahat kay lola. she said she'd rather go to a manghihilot.

my cousin said that it will do more harm than good - as in malalamog ang baling buto. the manghihilot ensured that the affected area will not be touched and he only needs to whisper prayers. bulung-bulong.

lola can manage to sit now. my cousin suspects that the pain reliever is working at its finest that's why things seem tolerable at the moment. i sure hope lola will be saved by her tremendous faith and that she will live a hundred more years to tell her wonderful tale.

"yey! buhay ka pa!"

yan ang sabi ni mikey sa akin nung sabado ng umaga. kung bakit nya nasabi yan, heto ang kwento...

friday afternoon, sad ako sa work. kung bakit ako sad, ibang kwento yan. deserve nyan ang isa pang bukod na post. feeling ko todo-buhos ang emosyon sa topic na yun.

so friday afternoon, sa gitna ng pagda-drama ko sa office, bandang 6:00 pm, bigla akong nahilo. gustong-gusto ko nang umuwi pero may tinatapos lang ako nang onti. nakatingin ako sa monitor tapos biglang umikot ang paningin ko. medyo may pressure sa batok, manaka-nakang pagsakit ng ulo. akala ko heart attack, umubo ako. lalo akong nahilo. relax nang konti pero pinilit ko pa ring tapusin ang trabaho.

nakiramdam, tumayo, naglakad papuntang MRT, lumulutang ang pakiramdam. halu-halo na ang naramdaman ko: hilo, pagod, lungkot, nasusuka, takot na baka mahimatay. nakausap ko si kuya at nabanggit kong nahihilo ako. naisip ko, kung magtaxi ako, lalo akong mahihilo. bakit hindi e jeprox mag drive ang mga manong dito. so pinilit kong makauwi sakay ng MRT. little did i know na tumatawag pala si kuya at di ko naririnig dahil wa ako care. ang focus ko lang ay makauwi nang may malay.

pagdating ko ng bahay, pati sina mami takot na takot na pala dahil di ako macontact. pagdating ni kuya, galit na galit at di raw ako macontact di na raw nila alam kung ano nang nangyari sakin. kung bakit nagalit si kuya, heto ang kwento...

thursday night, may officemate syang nakaramdam ng same symptoms ng sa akin + pamamanhid ng ulo. nag excuse sa meeting si officemate dahil na nahihilo at nasusuka. the next morning, hindi na nakapasok si officemate dahil hindi na sya nagising :-S in short, na-dead sya.

so sugod kami sa clinic dito na malapit sa bahay. hindi ko alam kung clinic ba yun o manghuhula.

doc: hi, how are you feeling today?

me: around 6pm, i felt dizzy, light-headed. with occasional headaches, with discomfort at the nape, and with feelings of nausea.

doc: aha!

me: [natuwa dahil parang may conclusion na agad si doc]

doc: do you have colds?

me: very mild, cough mild too.

doc: aha! you have common colds! i will give you medicine for colds!

me: no, no, no. i've had this cough and colds for two weeks now but it's the first time i'm feeling dizzy.

doc: that's right. maybe you just have sensitive nose.

me: [stunned that he isn't even getting my BP. and where did that common colds come from? what is the cause of my hilo attack?] but i still feel dizzy at the moment.

doc: that's ok, that's a side-effect of the colds. do you want lozenges for your cough?

me: no

walangjo. tawag ako sa pinsan kong doctor. mas may sense ang hatol nya. mukang benign positional vertigo raw. na may konting duda kung buntis ako mwehehehe! para maka sure na vertigo nga, magpatingin daw ako sa neurologist after din na ma-rule out ang issue ko sa nanlalabo kong mata.

natakot din si mikey sa kwentong na-dead na officemate. saturday morning, 7am, ang aga ng text. "gising ka na?" hehehe tinawagan ko... "bat ang aga mo nagising?" ang bungad nya, "yey! buhay ka pa!" hahahaha! indeed!

ps: sa wednesday, makukuha ko na ang bago kong eyeglasses. tingnan natin kung mata nga. sana.

ps2: the last time na nahilo ako nang ganito ay college pa sa pilipinas. walang nakitang mali si doc sa akin. sabi nya, kailangan kong bumalik para sa ibang test dahil na alarm sya sa biglang pagbagsak ng timbang ko. "may dahilan ang pagbagsak ng timbang mo" hindi na ako bumalik sa takot matuklasan ang dahilan na yun. hahaha!

six dresses

in less than three weeks, we'll have our prenuptial pictorials. jitters. excitement. anxiety. i admit, i love smiling for the lenses. it's the pow-sing-pow-sing that scares the crap out of me. i am ms. conscious. waaah! i hope the photographers could stir some magic in us so the poses will appear cool and natural-looking.

we'll push through with our beach pictorial no matter what happens. there are some complications at the moment and we are trying to sort them out so our sun-sand-sea setting could materialize. our photographers don't cater to prenup pictorials on weekends but our only available days are sat and sun. we'll push through no matter what :-S

if i were to be asked:

• i want us to SMILE, laugh even, in ALL shots. i want a generally happy theme :)
• i don't want serious shots. i don't want shots with angst. it's just not for me! i swear, i will look constipated! i think mike could pull it off, but not me :-S so dear mr. photographer, don't make us do those mowdel poses. ex: having a blank, expressionless face and looking at the horizon. please, no :-S
• no seductive shots. again, not for me. can't. hahaha.
• but i like shots with butterfly kisses :-* if only it will look natural ;-)

ok, so what to wear? april and i went to chinatown this afternoon to look for dresses for the shoot. initially, what i had in mind were:

a. tube-top, long beach dress

b. white, short dress

c. rompers - something like this, but i like white, tube-top or sleeveless, katya material maybe?

i found a :) one pink and one purple

i found b :) it's this dainty, white dress with strap. i'm thinking of removing the strap.

i will find c in the following days :)

here is a. please excuse the mess, and the payatotness:

in the end, i bought 6 dresses :) 3 for the prenups, 3 for whatever. hehe. as if i really wear them! :))

cat [sms to mami]: ma, magkano nga ulit yung patahi ng barong kay maxim?

mami [sms to cat]: tila P1200. 'di ko sigurado. itanong mo kay cecil.

cat [sms to mami]: oks ty mwah. talagang "tila" hehehe

mami [di na sumagot]...

hala naman mami, parang sa mga florante't laura ko pa narinig yung salitang yun :-S

happy birthday to me!

i took a screenshot of one of the most beautiful coincidences. the time is a numeric representation of my birthday. 8:17 - aug:17. haha babaw. it's a wonder because it almost always happens. when i glance at my phone to either check if i have messages or look at the time, it's 8:17 :)

birthdays are the sweetest days and it feels great to be reminded of your wonderful existence. life may suck at times but on your birthday, you are licensed to celebrate triumphantly because you surpassed the obstacles and you had a fair share of glorious days. maybe i should keep track of the number of times i am reminded of it. :) HBD in advance!

disgusting

what is the usual breakfast for me?

• burger king $2.95 meal - croissant with egg and cheese + hot milk tea - aka tinapay palaman itlog at keso + tsaa. kapag friday, pwedeng i-upgrade sa croissanwich meal nila. ito ay may halong karne: ham or bacon.
• bean curd with grass jelly - aka taho with gulaman
• 2 char siew pao - aka siopao palaman mala asado
• hard boiled egg with soy sauce + rice - aka nilagang itlog, sawsaw toyo, ulam kanin (weekends lang)

ayan. madampian lang ang labi't sikmura ko ng mga kakaning yan sa umaga e masaya na ang diwa ko. hindi ako malakas kumain pero kapag nasarapan ako sa pagkain e very vocal ako. bawat kagat, sasabihin kong, "sarap!"

hindi ako madalas magsisi sa mga bagay na nagawa ko na dahil wala nang magagawa. natapos na'ng lahat bakit magmumukmok pa? pero kahapon, ang ginawa kong ito ang pinakamalaki ko na atang kamalian sa tanang buhay ko, at pagsisisihan ko ito habang nabubuhay ako. dahil maling-mali.

ano kamo'ng pagkakamali ang nagawa ko? bumili ako ng chicken sandwich sa dome. "for a change," ang sabi ko. for a change mo muka mo! hahaha. shongit ng lasa!

unang-una, ang tinapay, parang mumurahing wheat bread lang na may expiration date na today-1 pero naisip mong pwede pa yan kaya kinain mo pa rin. sabi kasi ng nanay mo, pwede pa ring kainin yun.

pangalawa ang lechugas, mas lanta pa sa gulay na inabot na ng dapit-hapon sa talipapa.

pangatlo, ang chicken spread, may sapi! di ko alam kung anong ibang lasa ang sumapi sa kanya. definitely, hindi sya chicken. di ko nga sure kung spread sya e.

inubos ko pa rin. haha pagkatapos pintasan to infinity level. weh gutom ako. pero masama sa loob ko ang pagkakaubos ko. hindi nya binigyan ng hustisya ang essence ng pagiging chicken sandwich. di na mauulit. paalam.

music and noise

when we were in switzerland, janise introduced me to one of her good friends, jake. jake went all the way to switzerland to visit janise. talk about good friendship. :) on the topic of wonderful relationships, i remember when my best friends thecx and michie visited me in ohio last 2005. it's so heart-warming to see your good friends after a number of years and realize that nothing has changed despite the time and distance.

going back to jake, he's here in SG to visit janise again. janise asked if i wanted to join their pagtatagpo in clark quay. go! initially, i suggested a nice bbq/swimming in our place. another option was videoke. apparently jake didn't find these appealing at all. hahaha! how i've grown to be so manang over the years! oh well. clark quay it is.

i wanted to dress up. when was the last time i went clubbing? i looked inside my closet but i can't find a good dress. i settled with a black sleeveless blouse. i felt too bare. i changed again and snuggled into my favorite pink shirt. who goes to clark quay on a saturday and wears a shirt and jeans. uhm me? now i realize that my comfort level in trying out different styles in clothing is indirectly proportional to the number of years i stay alive. in all fairness to me and my confidence, i did wear a little makeup :) couldn't guarantee that i looked at my finest, but at least i tried :)

we didn't go clubbing after all. we just had 1 round of drinks, walked around clark quay so the visitors could get a glimpse of SG nightlife. as if i am familiar with it :p we got hungry and ate these wonderful shawarmas in one of the stalls. i just loved it! i had lamb shawarma and it is to die for. i promise.

where we were seated, the speakers were in full outrage. since i didn't know the songs, i assumed they are all from the latest charts. i was a bit embarrassed to see inang yaya (jake's yaya who was with him) swaying with the music and recognizing the songs, even naming them! how old am i?!? hahaha!

and then it hit me... that what other people (or generations) consider as music, i now find as noise. hahaha! to each his own. :))

so what do i now consider as music? stuff that other people might think as noise: laughter, stories, and chika. baduy much? hahaha!

bye bye bye

i just said goodbye and the other person doesn't know that i did. :p

goodbye to all the chikas.

goodbye to all the laughter.

goodbye to all the senseless questions, and to all the honest answers.

goodbye to all the trips to what-if-land.

goodbye to the mind-clearing opinions, solicited or not.

goodbye to no pretentions and to no filtering.

goodbye to trash talks and to sugar-coated ones.

goodbye to all the ego trips.

it's for the best.

trust me :)

bye bye bye

the cutest little girl

isn't she the coolest? :p

keyla just celebrated her 1st month of existence last week. i love it how she rocks our world now. ah eh, super iyakin lang talaga ng batang ito hahaha! the only things that could pacify her are: milk, more milk, karga, more karga. hahaha! could you believe a pacifier's purpose of pacifying babies is defeated with this little girl's antics?

i am certain that i won't mind cradling her for hours. even if she wails and wails and wails and wails, i won't get tired of taking care of her. just look at those eyes staring back at you. it melts all the negative things away. had a bad day? just hold her and smell her and talk to her. she won't respond or answer back, true, but just feeling her presence is like watching a thousand miracles right before your eyes.

i am confident that she'll be a very good person while april and kuya are in charge of molding her. :)

as i write this, i am a bit sad. i feel that i'll be sick and i can't get near her. i pray i'll get well soon. i can't get enough of this baby girl, keyla.

my hair is cheap

i didn't know this pic was sent. anyway, here's the story behind this pic: i find it funny that my hair is so cheap. i'm not hiyang to mamahaling shampoo hehe. i tried crab tree once, but my hair became stiff. fine hindi talaga sosyal ang buhok ko.

i'm a big fan of st. ive's shampoo and conditioner. it's relatively cheap and my hair is so lambot when i use it. the problem is, i can't find it in "normal" groceries. kuya bought it from mustafa. i don't want to go to mustafa. period.

i just had a hair rebond. the parlorista (or is it parloristo?), keno, urged me to buy a 70 SGD loreal shampoo and conditioner. i was urged. hehehe. so there, i'm now using a mamahaling shampoo/conditioner. my hair is unwell. see? my hair is not sosyal!

i also tried a kao shampoo. this one's also chipipay! grabe. i remember we have this brand in the philippines and it's caled kao biore, or something like that. my hair's so lambot din with this product! grabe. i'm so cheap nakakaloka!

so back to the pic: a few nights ago, kuya and i were at fairprice buying groceries. this brand caught my attention kasi naman pare, around 4 SGD lang silang dalawa! as in shampoo + conditioner at 4 SGD! what's scary is walang literature sa label kung ano-anong meron syang sangkap. i bought it anyway. my hair is cheap so it won't complain. i tried it once. so far, so good.

i love it how my hair is so cheap-o! i would love to be back to mustafa, though. i'd hoard tons of st. ive's. at least i know what's in it. haha!

awake

what keeps me up when i feel so sleepy at work? this cup of coffee.
the image formed looks so wide awake too. haha. if this can't keep you
up, what else will?

i am a hard-headed girl. i drink coffee, i palpitate, i get jumpy, i
complain, i promise i won't drink coffee again. it's just a cycle. argh.

an early stress

time check: 8 months to go before the wedding.

things have been moving in a very slow pace. we haven't really added anything in our accomplishments list since february. i hope we are not taking it too easy.

gowns. i'm getting a little nervous about this. when i went home last feb, we booked our gown designer. we booked in good faith - no sketches, no serious talks at all. he had a lot of good feedbacks in w @ w so i was pretty confident that he delivers well. that, plus i've seen his portfolio and his designs are great! i met him one saturday last feb. he didn't sketch then. he just asked for details and inspiration and told us that if we decide to get him, he'll send the sketches via email.

i thought that i will go ahead with the booking after seeing the sketch, just to be safe, and we left the shop. after 2 days, i was eager to check the gowns designer on my checklist. so i said, i'll just go ahead with the booking - in good faith - and just wait for the sketch. if i don't like it, then i'll just tell him to sketch another one.

so we deposited the DP to his account and sort of "booked" him.

then came some negative feedback in w @ w. negative as in: he didn't deliver on time for this bride and the outcomes were not satisfactory. then that's when i started to get nervous. i don't know what his reasons are for not delivering for that bride as agreed.

march is over and i still don't have my sketches. i followed up a number of times but he's really hard to reach. i was lucky last thursday. i saw him on chat and asked about the sketches. he said he'll send them after the holy week. he isn't apologetic at all. sure, it's just a sketch, but if you say you'll send something to a client by this date, aren't you supposed to keep track of it somehow? and deliver? otherwise, send a notice that you can't? it seems he isn't even aware that he promised the sketches by march. sheesh.

somehow, trust is broken. i'm not sure if it's too early to worry about it or if it would be better to withdraw this early and look for another one. the problem is, i'm not sure if he'll be happy to return the DP. sigh.

quasi-cherry blossom festival

it's cherry blossom season in japan :) i've always wanted to go. well, japan is on my places-i-must-see-before-i-die list, with or without cherry blossoms!

there is a park in front of our apartment. and there are a number of quasi-cherry blossom trees there :)) quasi, because: they are NOT cherry blossoms. the flowers resemble the kalachuchi flowers in pinas. mygali. they are quasi-cherry blossoms AND quasi-kalachuchi. what are they?! hahaha!

one morning, before going to work, i was mesmerized by the bed of flowers that formed on the ground. the trees adorned with flowers are wonderful to look at. the bed of flowers is also gorgeous, but it's a bit mushy if you step on them hehe.

flowers everywhere! flowers on the grass, flowers on the kanal rails!

cherry blossoms everywhere (weh kunwari lang!) white ones and even pink ones a few meters away!

flowers on the sidewalk. ;) lovely!

dear japan,

will you wait for me? one day i'll see you.

mwah!

love,

me

seven churches, a semi-full moon, and fried beehon

maundy thursday, after office, the camachos went to visit 7 churches.

we also commemorated the stations of the cross. two stations per church. it was a good experience.

i somehow feel the spirit of Holy Week is slowly draining out of my system so this is a very humbling and timely experience for me. glad to have done it with people closest to my heart.

when i was younger, the spirit was oh so alive. there would be pabasa of the pasyon within the neighborhood. the pasyon was broadcasted via loud speakers so it's undeniable that it really is the Holy Week! i miss mami. we used to do the visista iglesia together. i wasn't active even back then. it's just that the feeling is different when you are in the philippines.

there were also a number of times that we were in mindoro for Holy Week. we would join the procession and we also witnessed the penitensya rites. it was a bit scary. i didn't understand this ritual back then, really. for me, they were just a group of scary men. now, i understand what they were trying to do.

here are the seven churches that we visited. our route was: from city going to the east. please forgive the poor quality of the pictures. my humble phone did its best given the absence of good light.

St. Joseph's Church

Church of Saints Peter and Paul (church under renovation)

Cathedral of the Good Shepherd

Divine Mercy (this will be our parish come May 1)

Holy Trinity

Our Lady of Perpetual Succour

Church of the Holy Family

the semi full-moon - i loved how the moon watched over the earth with love that night.

yummy fried beehon. what is penitensya? after the four-hour event, the camachos got hungry and decided to share this lovely meal together. it was perfect with pickled chilies and hot soup and fried tofu. this eatery was just across the last church.

we started at 7:30 and ended at 11:30pm. i really, really loved the experience. i'd also love it if our future kids will keep this tradition alive!

a sponge can only absorb so much water...

tired and still homeless

we've been house hunting for the past 2 or 3 weeks. it's a tiring ordeal! we have viewings after office hours. we also have a lot during weekends. during weekdays, we would rush from the office to various flats and go home at around 9 or 10 pm all drained and tired and hungry. on weekends, we spend almost the entire day doing the same thing.

this is the first time that we'll get a unit on our own. we always had acquaintances as housemates. with the baby coming, we feel it might be difficult to still share the home with people outside of the family. it might be unfair for them.

this sounds exciting but this also means that expenses will be higher. all expenses will be divided by 3 instead of the usual 5 or 4. whew. we better get ready for this!

for the first time, we considered getting an hdb unit. hdbs are public housing units and rents are considerably lower than condos are private apartments. there are really nice hdb units around, especially the ones that are renovated or well-maintained, and you will almost have no reason to get a private flat. if you stay in condos or apartments, you pay for the amenities, security, and the ehem nice view. hehe. hdbs are quite spacious compared to the private housings but there's still the fact that anybody could just come in and out of your floor. these units are not fenced or guarded, but then again, it's quite safe here.

so after viewing unit after unit, we considered the following units:

- hdb flat in pasir ris (2k) - we were 8 hours too late for the offer. we viewed the unit one weeknight and waited too long the next day. when we decided to offer, the unit was already taken. it was a really spacious and clean unit. we wanted it badly but the competition within tenants is also fierce. every minute counts.

- unit in clear water condo (3.1k) - we offered for 2.7k. hehe it was like shooting for the stars. we were probably insane for offering such a low amount for the unit, but it was the highest that we were willing to go - 2.7k. unit was perfect, with 3 rooms plus an extra small room plus a maid's room. just perfect. however, condo was not that accessible. even if it was, the owner didn't accept our offer of 2.7k. "crazy tenants! wanting to rent my perfect unit for 2.7k" haha!

- unit in white house condo (3k) - again, we offered 2.7k. this is the ultimate unit! accessible 100%, pretty, pretty, nice, nice! 3 rooms, no maid's room. we are waiting for the owner if he will accept our offer. we are crossing all body parts that we could cross!

so after all of these, as i said, we are all tired and still homeless! we still have 1 month and 1 or 2 weeks. timer starts now!

feeling her for the first time

in about 2 to 3 weeks, baby girl will have her first taste of life-giving oxygen. for more than 8 months now, she has been this silent living creature inside april's belly. in all those 8 months, i have never felt her move. sometimes, april feels amazed at how likot she is. sometimes, she complains because the movements are too rigorous, almost painful. baby girl moves when april sits too close to her office table. apparently, baby doesn't like it when things are in contact with april's tummy. hehe. that or maybe she somehow feels that something is close by and she wants to play with it.

i've been waiting for the perfect timing when i could feel her move. see, i had to wait for more than 8 months :) while we were having lunch today, april called us when she felt baby move. i ran and felt her... and there it was, the perfect moment! i felt her move!!! i think it might have been her knees that moved like a giant wave on april's belly! it was soooo amazing! i love her already!

the last time we had a baby at home was when wawin was born. it was 1986 and i was 6 years old. wawin was a delicate little child. as he had congenital heart disease, we were very careful when he cried. he would get out of breath and his lips would turn purple. those were frightening days.

that was so many years ago. now, i wonder how it feels like to have a baby in the house again. :)

dear keyla,

auntie cat awaits for you. get ready for countless hugs and kisses and showers of love! the world has so many things in store for you.

love,

nanay, tatay, auntie cat, and uncle toy

(april, kuya, me, wawin)

magtatakipsilim

sa mga panahong ganito (read: mga panahong madrama ako), naiisip ko ang kanta ni wency na next in line: "what has life to offer me when i grow old?" pwede rin namang que sera sera: "will i be pretty, will i be rich?" (talagang yung line ba na yun dapat?!?)

sa taong ito, mag-30 na ako. siguro palapit na nang palapit sa pagtatakipsilim ng buhay ko. remember, paikli nang paikli ang life span ng tao. who knows, naabot ko na ang 1/3 ng buhay ko. meaning hanggang 90 years old akong aabot. kung maging nega ako, maaaring isipin kong naabot ko na ang kalahati ng buhay ko. so feeling ko 60 years ang hangganan ng buhay ko? kung maging ultra nega pa rin ako, maaaring 80% na ng buhay ko ang na-spend ko.

grabe. this is scary. wala pa akong anak. wala pa akong asawa. hindi ko pa nagagawa lahat na gusto kong gawin. hindi ko pa napupuntahan ang lahat ng gusto kong puntahan. lumilipas ang bawat araw na nagtatrabaho lang ako, nagbabasa ng facebook at twitter, gumagastos. at pagdating pa ng ganitong petsa ng buwan, ayan na nagsisimula na akong maging monster mag-isip. idagdag na natin yan sa pampalipas-oras ko. hay. talaga naman oo!

bakit si mami, nung 30 sya may 2 na syang anak? hmm, in fact, 3 na ata e! grabe! ang dami-dami na nyang napagdaanan at nagawa. sa taglay ba naman nyang tapang at talino e! hay. ibig sabihin ba nun, duwag ako at medyo hindi ako matalino?

hay. magawa ko lang ang mga ito, siguro ok na ako. hindi na ako matatakot.

1. magkaron ng pamilya at anak. super pangarap ko talagang magka-anak. feeling ko, ang dami-dami kong love na gustong ibigay kung bibigyan lang ako ng chance. iba yung love sa asawa, iba rin yung love sa baby/ies. gusto kong i-shower unconditionally yung 2 love na yun.
2. merong nagpupumiglas na desire sa kalooban ko na gumawa ng something. it doesn't have to be grand as in "change the world!" kahit na sa "make a difference!" level lang super happy na siguro ako. the thing is, hindi pa sya pinapakita sa akin kung ano man yun. pero i strongly feel na there's something! excited akong i-reveal sakin yun. yung giving back factor ba. lead me and i'll follow.
   
3. mapagsilbihan ko si mami, or at least make her happy - si mami ang constant good thing in my life. ayokong dumating yung time na magiging alone si mami. she's been through a lot.
4. makita, at least, na masaya ang 2 kong kapatid at ang sari-sarili nilang pamilya.
   

for now, yun ang mga wish list ko. syempre there's someone greater than me and me wishing these. there's someone wiser who knows better than me - one who will grant OR will not grant these wishes. tiklop naman ako e. :) tina-try ko namang maging masunuring bata. hehehe.

ayan parang hindi na ako malungkot. :) siguro naman hindi pa 80% no? :p

sapok, sampal, hampas

as a lenten activity, the sisters of lingkod planned to watch the film "the passion of Christ". since kuya and april had plans to visit the IT fair today, i offered that we could watch the film here in our house.

this is the second time that i watched the film. the first one was during the movie screening in manila. i watched it with mami. a couple of years passed but when i watched it today, it had the same effect on me - shock. besides the fact that the portrayal was close to perfect, something that happened during college kept on flashing in my mind while watching the film.

it was RELS class (i'm thinking it's RELSONE). we had this professor (i forgot his name) who asked for a volunteer. one of the girls (i won't tell who she is) raised her hand and she was prompted to go to the front.

teacher asked her, "come, hit me hard on the face." we were all shocked. i found it hard to fathom what his point was. she didn't hit him. teacher made his point. we find it really hard to hit somebody on the face but every time we sin, we become one of the people who gave Jesus the deathly blows prior to His death.

i have so many moments in my life that i am not proud of, in fact i am really ashamed to even talk about these. how many blows have i given Him? in the movie, i cringed every time He was hit. i even cried at certain points. the realization here is... i am one of the killers. when i watched the movie for the first time, what i felt was just pure awa for Him. this time, my realization is different. i was able to associate myself with the soldiers who beat Him to His death, with the people who threw stones at Him, who rebuked Him and showed no mercy. i am one of them. it was so easy for me to show my disgust and cry when He was hit in the film, but it's amazing how easy and shameless it is for me to continuously sin day after day.

i appreciate the activity today. so many realizations. perfect way to end sunday.

PS: my girl classmate hit the teacher really hard after a good convincing. i didn't tell in my story above because i was trying to help teacher make his point :p hehehe. he was hoping she wouldn't hit him so he could get his message across. he was still successful, i think, because i still can't forget it after all these years.

so what do i do now? i know i'll still hit Him a million times or more during my entire lifetime, but i could always try and aim not to.